Honesty

*Written on the chalkboard: Our actions define us. True or false?

To avoid moving chairs and missing out on what each of you has to say, I’m going to forgo the suggestion to split you into groups, have you read silently, and then discuss your thoughts. We’re going to attempt to do this as a group instead. But, let me warn you, if the participation is scarce, I won’t think twice about moving chairs… J

So let’s start with defining dishonesty. What does it mean to be dishonest?

Definition of DISHONESTY (Mirriam-Webster)

1: lack of honesty or integrity : disposition to defraud or deceive

2: a dishonest act : fraud

To me, this is less than clear. What constitutes defrauding or deceiving? If we don’t rob banks, shop lift, cheat on our spouse, etc. are we then “honest” by default?

The manual splits dishonesty up into three parts: lying, cheating, and stealing. These three are absolutely fraudulent and deceitful behaviors. But again, what constitutes lying, cheating, and stealing?

So let’s talk about it. What is lying? What real-life situations have you observed that you felt constituted lying? (personal stories/examples)

Here are some ideas from my grandma:

1. Gossip – including exaggerated or untrue items about someone.

2. TV and movies where immoral lifestyles are presented as bringing happiness.

3. Lying about your accomplishments.

4. Advertisements, either in print or on TV, claiming miraculous medical cures.

5. “Lying about your age and weight…My weight on my driver’s license has been the same over the last 20 years although I’ve lost 50 pounds. Sister Adams said when she went for her new license, she told the examiner she’d gained some weight since the last time and he said, “That’s o.k., you still look good. We’ll leave it the same.” (said in good humor)

6. “We mentioned talking to someone on the phone and saying, ‘Oops! There’s someone at the door. I’ll talk to you later,’ when, of course, there is no one at the door and we just want to stop talking.

7. “Or telling someone you can’t attend some event because you’re going to be out of town when you just don’t want to go.”

8. “Then we talked about being honest with yourself and with Heavenly Father in the process of repentance.”

How many forms of lying can you think of? Bearing false witness is only one of them…

1. Bearing false witness (what exactly does this mean?-false accusations, slander)

2. Speaking untruths

3. Telling only half truths (A half truth is a whole lie. ~Yiddish Proverb)

4. Deceitful looks or gestures

5. “White lies” (Those who think it is permissible to tell white lies soon grow color-blind. ~Austin O'Malley)

6. Saying nothing at all

“Whenever we lead people in any way to believe something that is not true, we are not being honest.” (manual)

Cheating, where have you witnessed cheating? (Personal stories/example)

1. Over promising, under delivering (business again)

2. Tests at school, homework

3. Games of all kinds

4. Tithing

5. Taxes

6. Over selling (business, again)

7. Employers cheating their employees and vise versa

8. Borrowing more than we can pay

We cheat when we give less than we owe, or when we get something we do not deserve. Some employees cheat their employers by not working their full time; yet they accept full pay. Some employers are not fair to their employees; they pay them less than they should. Satan says, “Take the advantage of one because of his words, dig a pit for thy neighbor” (2 Nephi 28:8). Taking unfair advantage is a form of dishonesty. Providing inferior service or merchandise is cheating. (manual)

Stealing. What does it mean to steal?

Stealing is taking something that does not belong to us. When we take what belongs to someone else or to a store or to the community without permission, we are stealing. (manual)

Stealing, where has this taken place in your life? (Personal stories/examples)

1. Supplies from work

2. Toys/clothes/personal items from family members

3. Cars and other inventory from parking lots and stores

4. Hearts (winning someone’s love based on lies)

*some of the most hurtful, lasting damage that results from dishonesty is spiritual and emotional

5. Taking more money from a till, in a business deal, etc.

6. Ideas

7. Copy righted material

8. Taking more than your share of something (The store house example-my friend who ONLY take a small amount of food-what she can scrape by on for two weeks-each time she visits the store house. That’s what she feels is right, her “share”.)

(Richard C. Edgley’s story of his three towels and a 25 cent newspaper-found in the talk I linked to at the bottom)

“Jim, for 25 cents I can maintain my integrity. A dollar, questionable, but 25 cents—no, not for 25 cents.” You see, I remembered well the experience of three towels and a broken-down 1941 Hudson. A few minutes later we passed the same newspaper vending machine. I noticed that Jim had broken away from our group and was stuffing quarters in the vending machine. I tell you this incident not to portray myself as an unusual example of honesty, but only to emphasize the lessons of three towels and a 25-cent newspaper.

Excuses

“Practically all dishonesty owes its existence and growth to this inward distortion we call ‘self-justification,’” Elder Spencer W. Kimball once told a group of businessmen. “It is the first, the worst and the most insidious and damaging form of cheating—to cheat oneself.” (A Matter of Honesty)

We MUST NOT excuse our dishonesty.

Think about all the times we’ve excused ourselves from being accountable from our lies. What have you used as an excuse, or heard someone else use?

1. I meant to but…

2. I wanted to spare her feelings (“Those jeans don’t make you look fat, your fat makes you look fat.”-Dad)

3. I just didn’t want to (kids are asking you to do things, you make up excuses so you don’t have to do them, etc)

4. I didn’t really mean it…

5. I was uncomfortable, put in an awkward position

6. I didn’t want to get her into trouble! (Mattie’s story with C)

7. It wasn’t my fault! (REI story about the shoes)

8. It was an extreme circumstance

9. Nobody got hurt

10. I didn’t want to hurt his/her feelings

11. My dad would have killed me if he knew the truth!

12. I earned it!

13. He owed me anyway!

14. I needed it more!

15. It wasn’t fair, so I made it fair.

16. It was only a “white” lie

17. Think of what others might think of me if they knew the truth!

18. Everyone else does it

To the Lord, there are no acceptable reasons. When we excuse ourselves, we cheat ourselves and the Spirit of God ceases to be with us. We become more and more unrighteous. (manual)

In a 2003 article in the Ensign, Elder Marcos A. Aidukaitis likened dishonesty to cancer. He spoke of honesty as a spiritual cancer. It starts small but with early detection, the problem can be fixed, your life can be saved. Oppositely, if such things are neglected it can overtake your life, ending it far too early and far too painfully.

When I asked my dad for a good story for my lesson, we both concluded that ALL his stories include lying, cheating and/or stealing…and the ALL end miserably. Dishonesty lands you in prison, in this life AND the next.

Which, leads me to something my dad reminded us kids of often. “The worst lies are the lies you tell yourself.” As an aside, I feel as though I could have this calling fifty years from now, grey hair and all, and still be quoting my dad. I think it makes me look super young now, maybe it’ll still have that affect then! Either way, he’s a wise guy and I figure it’s far easier to share his wise words than have to come up with my own! J

So let’s operate under the assumption that my dad is right (as always). Why are the worst lies-or any form of dishonesty- you tell the ones you tell yourself? Many excuses we use have to deal with other people. If it’s them we’re worried about, why is a lie so bad for ourselves?

1. One lie leads to another, which leads to another, which leads to another…

2. Who lies for you will lie against you. ~Bosnian Proverb

3. Our thoughts become our ACTIONS, our actions become our HABITS, our habits become our CHARACTER and our character ultimately becomes our DESTINY

4. Developing a reputation for dishonesty

5. We halt our own spiritual progression

6. We allow ourselves to do things we know we shouldn’t

7. We allow ourselves to hurt people who don’t deserve to be hurt

8. Not allowing the atonement into our lives (I know that you can never repent without being honest - The atonement can never be part of our lives if we don't repent - Without making the atonement a part of our lives, we will never progress, we will never be spiritually healed, and we will never become what our Heavenly Father wants and needs us to become.
~Mom)

(I plan to tell this story in my own words in class, but I figure I might as well include it in its entirety for you hear)

“As we view the world around us, it’s possible to feel at times that no one is really honest or virtuous or honorable anymore. We see those who seemingly get ahead in life as a result of deceit, through false promises or by cheating others. In the glow of unearned good repute, people are apt to fall prey to self-delusion and think that they can get away with anything. Others who want too badly for all men to speak well of them come to care more about outside opinions than their own actions.
Being true to oneself is anything but easy if the moral standards of one’s associates conflict with his or her own. The herd instinct is strong in the human animal, and the phrase “Everybody else is doing it” has an insidious attraction. To resist what “everybody else” is doing is to risk being ostracized by one’s peers, and it’s normal to dread rejection. Nothing takes more strength than swimming against the current. You, my friends, are strong and must at times decide to swim against that current.
Perhaps the surest test of an individual’s integrity is his or her refusal to do or say anything to damage his or her self-respect. The cornerstone of one’s value system should be the question, “What will I think of myself if I do this?”
In a Business Law class where I was a student years ago, I remember that one particular classmate, a popular athlete, never prepared for class. I thought to myself, "How is he going to pass the final?" I discovered the answer when he came to the classroom for the final examination, on a winter's day, wearing a pair of sandals on his feet. I was surprised. I watched him as the exam began. All of his books had been placed upon the floor. He slipped the sandals from his feet; and then, with toes that he had trained and had prepared with glycerine, he skillfully turned the pages of one of the books which he had on the floor, thereby having the answers to the examination questions.
This student received one of the highest grades in that course on Business Law. But the day of reckoning came. As he prepared to take his comprehensive examination, for the first time the dean of his particular discipline said: "This year I will depart from tradition and will conduct a personal, oral examination rather than a written test." Our favorite, trained-toe expert found that he had his foot in his mouth on that occasion and failed the examination. He was required to remain in school an additional year before he could graduate.
That has been over sixty years ago; but whenever any of us from that law class looks at that particular man, he does not think of the man's abilities on the football field as an all-conference player. Rather, he thinks of him as one who lacked integrity.
What is the point of all the fame and glory if, in the end, we can’t look ourselves in the eye, knowing that we have been honest and true. A poem I learned as a boy is as pertinent today as it was back then. I share with you just the last stanza. Before I do, I must explain that the word “glass,” as used in the poem, refers to a mirror.” (President Monson’s address to Dixie College)

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years

And get pats on the back as you pass;

But your final reward will be heartaches and tears

If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.

When we are completely honest, we cannot be corrupted. We are true to every trust, duty, agreement, or covenant, even if it costs us money, friends, or our lives. Then we can face the Lord, ourselves, and others without shame. President Joseph F. Smith counseled, “Let every man’s life be so that his character will bear the closest inspection, and that it may be seen as an open book, so that he will have nothing to shrink from or be ashamed of” (Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed. [1939], 252). (Manual)

There will never be honesty in the business world, in the schools, in the home, or anyplace else until there is honesty in the heart...When we are true to the sacred principles of honesty and integrity, we are true to our faith, and we are true to ourselves.(Richard C Edgley, Three Towels and a 25 cent newspaper)

Think for a second how our personal actions affect the world of business etc. Dishonesty is never victimless. What consequences have you seen in your community or home?

1. Higher prices at stores

2. Good people stuck with bad cars etc. (Katie’s car)

3. “Madoff and did not even mention the Idaho Falls Madoff, Derek Palmer, who as an honest appearing Elder's Quorum President bilked some of the pillars of this community out of tens of millions of dollars entrusted to him. He has yet to be indicted and the community wonders why he is not in jail. I'll bet that you could get plenty of information from Googling Palmer/Idaho Falls/Ponzi Scheme....Part of the reason he has yet to be prosecuted is that the faithful members who invested with him thought that they would be getting a 20% return and now are afraid of appearing guilty of being greedy rather than honest and upright Mormons. “ Father-in-law

4. Families torn apart (financial, adultery etc)

5. Stores closing

6. Friendships end

7. Insurance rates skyrocket

When I had my ecclesiastical interview for my admittance into BYU, the counselor at the time, someone I didn’t think knew me as well as I knew him (a sheer numbers thing)-said something I have never forgotten. He said “You have been an example to and have helped kids you don’t even know about.” Without meaning to sounds prideful in the slightest, I had heard this a time or two. I usually took it as hogwash meant to boost the sometimes failing confidence of a high school kid who was trying to keep her footing. Not this time, not when said with such conviction and honesty. His serious, verging on teary, eyes met mine and I understood that he knew something I did not. Something I had said or done reached someone he knew, personally. I still don’t know what, where or how, but it doesn’t matter. I got the message loud and clear. My actions affect not only my life, but those around me. Our behavior is so important for our own progression, but it is ALSO important in the lives of others. Let us be that example to others; that example of honesty in all things so that we might be as the people spoken of in the Book of Mormon who were “distinguished for their zeal towards God, and also towards men; for they were perfectly honest and upright in all things; and they were firm in the faith of Christ, even unto the end” (Alma 27:27).

If you can hang on for a few more minutes, let me leave you with a quote on this very topic of being an example and teaching honesty:

“This training in honesty begins in the home. Each of us has personal possessions which are ours alone. We can and should share such things as toys and games and our services to one another; but we have money, or jewelry, or clothing that is the personal property of each and should not be taken without the consent of the owner. A child who respects such honesty in the home is not apt to violate the principle outside the home. … Lack of such training fosters disrespect for the rights and property of others. …
“As a child matures and starts working for money, … [he should be taught to] deal honestly and give honest labor for the returns he gets” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1978, 64; or Ensign, May 1978, 44).

“I hope you will teach my dear ones to be honest. There is so much cheating and stealing and dishonesty. Integrity is laughed at and dishonesty is taught by the family and the community. Little dishonest pranks are laughed at. The little child is often clever enough to deceive and take advantage of its cuteness. The child is often permitted to get by with little thefts. A parent who understates the age of the child to avoid adult prices in shows and planes and trains and buses is forcefully teaching the child to be dishonest. He will not forget these lessons. Some parents permit the child to break the law as to fire crackers, the use of guns, fishing and hunting without license. The children are permitted to drive without a license or to falsify their ages. Those who take little things without accounting for [them] such as fruit from the neighbor’s yard, a pen from a desk, a package of gum from the … shelf, all are being taught silently that little thefts and dishonesties are not so bad. Cheating in school examinations has reached an alarming state, say the school officials.
“We may be bucking a strong tide, but we must teach our children that sin is sin. …
It is important to recognize that we cannot ignore little thefts, lies, or deceptions. We must not treat lightly or laugh at cheating or breaking the law. (Women’s Manual)

Do our actions define us? You bet!

Other quotes I simply like:

A lie has speed, but truth has endurance. ~Edgar J. Mohn

We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger. ~Tad Williams

‎"Honest hearts produce honest actions" Brigham Young

"Integrity is the value we set on ourselves. It is a fulfillment of the duty we owe ourselves. An honorable man or woman will personally commit to live up to certain self-imposed expectations. they need no outside check or control. They are honorable in their inner core." James E. Faust Ensign, May 1982

Gospel Principle Manual

Richard C. Edgley, Three Towels and a 25-Cent Newspaper, October 2006LDS Women's Manual, Lesson 7

President Monson's Remarks at the 2011 Dixie State College Commencement

Honesty in the Small Things, Elder marcos A. Aidukaitis, September 2003